Married Sex Blog

Wives: Do you Struggle With Your Sex Life?

Despite the fact that sex is an important and meaningful part of the marriage relationship, it can be a source of internal struggle for men and women alike. Ladies, if you have ever had questions or concerns about your own sexuality, I highly recommend you read Intimate Issues: 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

Normally, I would critique a book and leave it at that. After reading this book, however, I was so impressed I feel it warrants further comment.

The authors of Intimate Issues surveyed over 1000 women before writing this book. Then they decided to tackle the top 21 questions the women expressed concerning their married sex lives. Some of the questions are painful, ranging from how to deal with past abortions or sexual abuse to how to help a husband addicted to porn. Other questions include how to deal with body-image, a different level of desire (be it more or less) than their husbands, and the role of "quickies" in marriage. They even address the whole mind-set of women--how to feel more sexy, how to go from "mommy" to "lover," and how to show your husband love when you're just not in the mood. Down-to-earth and written from women to women, this book offers truly helpful insights and advice.

My husband and I are realizing more and more how many couples have not yet reached the point of sizzling married sex--or even mediocre married sex. The reasons are sometimes simple, sometimes complex, and sometimes even painful; and not being trained counselors or psychologists, we are woefully inadequate to address some of the issues involved. So if you find yourself in the situation where you wish for more from your sexual relationship with your husband, this book might be for you. If nothing else, it is encouraging to hear the stories of other women with similar struggles--be they run-of-the-mill or "serious stuff."

(This book also has a reference section in the back that can point you to other sources of help for serious issues.)

Why Married Sex is So Hot

It's true. My sex life is unbelievable, getting better all the time, and I am married. (And I don't mean newly-wed either.) Married sex is simply incredible.

Marriage so naturally lends itself to out-of-this world sex. First, it allows for unlimited growth. My husband is a skilled lover. He has had years of experience to experiement and learn how to romance me, how to touch me, how to make my body hum. Don't get me wrong--I thought our sex was great from day 1 of the honeymoon. But my husband has become specialized--in pleasing me and only me! He has explored my body and knows my moods. He has made making love to me an art--and he has the stroke of a master painter! Think about it--in his book Sheet Music, Dr. Leman says a man is expected to "know which way the wind blows" with his wife. In other words--he is expected to know her moods. Am I feeling frisky, adventurous, and bold? Am I feeling like being ravaged? Or do I desire to be slowly seduced? Knowing what I desire goes a long way in making the moment work. Marriage is the context in which this occurs.

Marriage allows sex to transcend the physical. No matter the situation, sex inevitably involves feelings. It is a spiritual and emotional union as well as a physical one. But outside of marriage, these feelings are often considered the "down-side" of having sex, and inevitably lead to "complications." Within marriage, the emotional and spiritual aspects of sex are nurtured and so tightly integrated into the physical that the entire experience becomes something greater than the sum of its parts. This is not just true of women. Even Ian Kerner in his book He Comes Next says that men miss out when they are focused only on the physical. He credits porn and a "fast food" mentality with making men (and women) focused on one goal--the male orgasm. He urges women to help men slow down and learn to have more global--and consequently better--orgasms. The best place for this to happen? Marriage.

Marriage is also the perfect context for excitement and experimentation in sex. We all desire adventure. What better avenue than married sex? You can have all of the fun and none of the worries. Within the emotionally secure confines of marriage, husbands and wives can share their secret desires and act on them--without fear of embarrassment or rejection. You can set up a romantic rendezvous, try new toys, or e-mail your spouse nude pictures. There is no limit to where your imaginations can take you. And you don't have to worry about disease, unwanted emotional attachment, or unwanted pregnancy. (Okay, I know some of you might debate that last point--but pregnancy within marriage--planned or not--is certainly easier to deal with than a single, pregnant girlfriend.)

I am utterly convinced--you can't beat good married sex. The trust and open communication of a good marriage can free a woman to be a sexual diva and drive a husband to heights he's never known. And on the practical side, practice makes perfect! So what are you waiting for--start working on your married sex today!

(If you find your married sex life doesn't meet these standards, you might want to take a step back and examine some of the other elements of a good marriage. Do you and your spouse have open communication? Can you talk candidly about sex and other issues? Is there trust? Is there guilt about past sexual activity? Think about these things before you write off your married sex life.)