Wives: Adopt a Positive Sexual Mindset

It seems our culture has adopted numerous mindsets detrimental to married sex. Just stop and listen to any sit-com or workroom conversation between female coworkers regarding sex in marriage. Men are portrayed as crude, unhelpful, and sex-starved. Women are shown as too busy, too tired, not interested, or even cold in the bedroom. And we accept these stereotypes as "just the way it is!"

The sexual relationship between a husband and wife should not be anything like that! Ladies, it is time to reclaim the pleasure that can come from a healthy mindset regarding sex in marriage. While many of these stereotypes may have their origins in truth, they have been stretched and distorted into a twisted view of the truth. Let's take a moment to try to separate exaggeration from reality.

First, you have to understand that men do not just desire sex because they are "wired that way." Yes, men are different from women, and yes, men desire sex more often. But you may find the reason behind their desire interesting. If you have read the article "Ten Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men," you saw that a survey of men revealed they want to have sex often in order to feel they are loved by their wives. They want sex for the same reasons women want romance and conversation! Be honored your husband wants sex from YOU! He loves you and wants affirmation of your love in return.

Next, women, you can affect the circumstances that may affect your own desire for sex. I truly do believe that fatigue, lack of time, and stress are among the biggest obstacles to women enjoying more frequent sex. But why? Why do women accept that that is the way things have to be? If these issues are interfering with your desire and making you want to say "not tonight" more nights than not, it is time to do something about it. Have an honest conversation with your husband. Let him know that your sex life is a priority for you, but you need his help. If presented in a guilt-free manner--without manipulation!--your husband is sure to respond. What man wouldn't want to help you want more sex? Let him know specific ways he can help. Maybe he could fix dinner on certain nights, or accept that you will cook more on weekends but eat leftovers during the week. If you need help getting the kids ready for bed at night or school in the morning, recruit his help. Most men do not automatically know what to do to help their wives, because they were never taught. In fact, many even desire to help, but simply don't know what to do or how to do it.

Another myth is that you should only have sex when you "feel like it." It is time to expand your view of the meaning of "feeling" like having sex. By all means, have sex when you are flooded with desire! But consider these other reasons to "feel" like having sex. Have sex when you feel like snuggling--because nothing can beat naked snuggling after being intimate with your spouse! Have sex when you are stressed and feel the need to relax. Have sex when you feel like falling into bone-relaxing sleep. Have sex when you feel like showing your husband you love him.

That is an important one! On those nights when your body just doesn't feel that turned on, keep the emotional mindset that you are performing an act of love for your husband and you ENJOY showing him love. Then, instead of concentrating on your own pleasure or lack of it, concentrate on pleasuring your husband. If you truly embrace that mindset, you will enjoy your time together as much as he does! (But beware, husbands like a wife to participate and enjoy herself, and they will see right through a "sacrifice" mentality. You must truly have the mindset that giving your husband the gift of sexual love is ENJOYABLE and fulfilling.)

If you learn to enjoy love-making for diverse reasons, you will mutliply your own pleasure. Sex will become something you can look forward to for many reasons, and you will be much more likely to want sex more often. And that will bust yet another myth--that women can't or don't enjoy sex as much as men.

Once you make the decision to reprogram your mind concerning sex in your marriage, fight to keep your perspective. If you find yourself in a conversation which is bashing husbands or making them the butt of jokes, stay out of it. Or better yet, join in with a positive comment about what a great husband you have or how much you enjoy your intimate time together. Yes, your lady friends may give you some funny looks, but inside they will be wishing they had what you have. And you will avoid the danger of unconciously falling back into old patterns of thought.

If you catch your own private thoughts wandering back into areas of resentment or disinterest, be proactive. Focus on positive thoughts about your sex life--how good it can make you feel, the closeness it fosters with your husband, the gift you are giving him by affirming your love through sex. And keep the lines of communication open. Remind your husband how much you appreciate his help around the house, and tell him how much it helps you relax and be able to enjoy him more sexually.

Hopefully, these tips will help you reclaim the joy that should be yours as married women entitled to great sex. Because for women, sex is as much mental as physical. Set your mind on great sex, and let your body follow.
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Comments

[Amy W.]

What a great post! I'm so happy I found this site. As women we're so programmed that sex is for men and that if we want it or try to be sexy there is something wrong with us.

After we had our second daughter, our sex life kind of started slipping. With the help of a marriage counsellor, my husband and I started to really talk. He understood how much I value his help and I realized how important it is for me to be sexy for him and for him to know that I want him sexually.

One thing that I have done that has really helped me stay focused on the sex in our marriage is adjusting my wardrobe. To remind myself to be sexy and keep sex on my mind, I threw out all of my "plain old" underwear. Now, no matter what I'm wearing on the outside, I'm always wearing sexy thong panties and bras.

It took a while getting used to wearing thongs everyday, but now regular bikinis feel like too much.

And it totally turns my husband on to know that I'm always wearing something for him.