Married Sex Blog

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Hookin' Up Holy

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Giving Permission

A great marriage involves many things. Among them are trust and a willingness to fulfill your spouse completely. I trust my husband. We've shared an intimacy for several years now and I know he'd never hurt me. I also love my husband and pleasing him - - fulfilling his wildest fantasies makes me happy.

In my marriage, I tend to be the one that needs time to get used to new ideas in the bedroom. As such, I know my husband "holds back" some of his desires from me. So when the mood strikes me I give him permission to do whatever he wants to me.

This isn't an anytime kind of thing. It's a now only. It usually takes me a day to prepare. But once I've got myself in an appropriately sexy mindset I give him permission to have me any way he wants!

I've learned that by giving that permission I have to mean it for two reasons. First, I have to mean it because I have to convince him that I really mean it. If he doesn't believe that I'm really willing to do anything for him any way he wants, he'll keep holding back. Secondly, I have to really be ready for whatever comes at me. There have times I've been surprised by what he comes up with and I admit that there were times we had sex in ways I wouldn't have thought possible. I've posted some details in the forum.

Giving my husband permission to fulfill his fantasies with me has opened up new dimensions to our sex life. We are both more fulfilled and closer as spouses as we share these things together.

Sex is Icing on the Cake

It seem kind of easy to say that sex is the icing on the cake. It's the good part right? Sure. But there IS more to it than just that. Think about cake and icing. To be really good a cake needs more than just icing. There has to be great cake also.

Sure sometime people eat the icing right out of the tub with a spoon, but that's not the way to eat icing. It tastes good, but too much makes you sick. If all we ever did was eat icing out of the tub we'd get fat!

Just so, cake without icing is pretty boring. It lacks the sweetness that makes cake great.

To try and have great sex without a great marriage is like eating icing out of the tub - - it might taste great but ultimately will not satisfy. Likewise, a marriage without great sex is boring and without flavor.

Of course icing comes in many varieties. Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry. With or without sprinkles. Sometimes there are designs. Let your imagination run wild!

Sex needs variety too. Creativity in our sex life makes it exciting. It's fun to try new things. Sometimes you and your spouse may try something and decide, "It's not for us." That's fine! At least you tried it and now you know. Maybe you'll try it again later and like it then.

Keep sex fresh and new just like icing on the cake.

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"You Make Me So Hot . . . "

We all know our men get turned on by what they see. But it's much more than just a naked or scantily clad female body that does the trick. While dressing sexy is important, the way you display yourself to your husband can make all the difference in the world.

A short look at advertising toward men reveals a lot about how to look sexy. Sure the women are dressed sexy, but their faces also have a lot to do with it.

If you take some time to look at men's magazines (anything from FHM to Playboy) one thing I notice is that the models don't necessarily smile in all the photos. Less than half actually. The more erotic the picture, the less likely the model is to be smiling. She looks hungry -- desperate -- lusty.

And there is the key. Again it's mental. You have to want sex and you should look like you want it. A sexually desperate woman is a real turn on to a man.

When you are seducing your husband, dress sexy but also act the part. Want sex. Crave your orgasm and show him how much you want it. "You make me so hot" is the refrain from an Avril Lavigne song and it applies. Touch yourself in ways that feel good. Caress your breasts and nipples. Slide your hand into your thong. Pursue your pleasure. Be greedy. Your desperation for sex will enhance your husband's enjoyment also. There's a reason men fantasize about nymphomaniacs.

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Sexual Personalities: When "Give me the Works!" Meets "Plain Vanilla"

I like to drive the speed limit. Okay, actually, I'll drive about 5 miles over. My husband? Let's just say he views speed limits as recommendations only. My husband--a sushi connesieur. Me? I tried sushi--this last year. And only the cooked kind!

What does this have to do with sex? Everything! You see, everyone has a sexual personality, and as Dr. Douglas Weiss points out in his book Intimacy, it's usually the same personality we exhibit every day. So what do you do when one of you likes to play it safe, and one of you likes to walk on the wild side?

First, it is important to realize that the bolder of the spouses is probably not going to be content with "plain vanilla" sex. (When my husband referred to the early days of our married sex as "good, but plain vanilla," I said, "but I like vanilla!" )

But like every aspect of a relationship, it is possible to grow in the area of sexuality and find a balance you both enjoy. Here's how my husband and I handled our differences.

First, open communication is key. You have to be willing to express your desires--or hesitations--to your mate and feel safe doing so. We talked about various things we thought we would like to try. Then we started with the ones I felt most comfortable with. For us, a good starting place was new locations; then we moved on to incorporating food. From there it was toys, and the list goes on! We still have ideas to try, but my husband lets me set the pace of introducing new elements to our sex life.

There were a few little snags along the way! There was a time I had admitted that making a video of ourselves was probably on the radar. Not long after we had a weekend away--no kids, no responsibilities! My husband--full of anticipation--proceded to pack every sexual gadget and accessory we had, along with our digital and video cameras. Seeing him pack, my plain vanilla self got a little overwhelmed. By the time we reached our destination, I was feeling on edge instead of feeling desire. Our lesson--don't overwhelm the more reserved spouse!

Don't assume that in every situation the husband is the adventurous one when it comes to sex. I recently attended a Passion Party with some friends. One of my friend's husband asked her, "You mean you are actually going to BUY something?" At the party, she made a point to choose items she thought would be in her husband's comfort zone. The result? Her bag of "goodies" was a big hit with hubby!

So if you, like me, are the "plain vanilla" type--look for something new to try. Something that stretches your boundaries just a bit without making you feel uncomfortable. And if you're the spouse who likes "the Works," talk with your mate about what you would like to try, then let THEM be the ones to let you know when they are ready.